Is there anything more frustrating than dealing with loan companies online? I just want to make a payment. I just want to talk to a reasonable human being because I seem to have locked myself out of the online account. I just want a logical end result. *eye roll*
Shitty Work Environments
I am tired of working places where favoritism and nepotism abounds. I am tired of seeing people not valued for their work, but for their similarity to those in charge. No one has a decent work ethic any more, and why should they? They certainly don’t get rewarded for it. They certainly can’t take it to the bank and use it to pay off bills or put a roof over their head. It doesn’t buy many groceries.
Lie, cheat, steal, treat people like shit, and you will get ahead. That’s bullshit.
Fear of being real
I’ve been wanting to blog, to post, to write for a long time, but I feel like I have to keep certain aspects of myself hidden. Even though this is my blog, I don’t feel free to just talk here. I feel like I have to come up with “interesting” things to say, and I feel like there’s a pressure to make myself appealing to readership. READERSHIP I DON’T EVEN HAVE! I have such an innane fear of failure that I even fear success. It’s ridiculous.
A lot of things have been coming to a head lately. I’m tired, I’m worn down, I’m about to burn out and I have to keep going, hoping for that next rest period, that next moment of peace, that next hour to myself. I hope no one minds if I just rant for a bit. I want a place to be myself. To think, to SPEAK, to discover things, and introduce things, to explore and investigate, without always having to try and be so damned clever and polite. I don’t want to be afraid of people reading this. I want to WRITE and I want it to be visible.
I don’t tell many people about my blog, because I’m not very proud of it. It still feels intensely experimental and I’m never sure if it’s really working. But I want to start making an effort, you know? *sigh* I’m frustrated with the state of things.
I’d like to actually talk a little bit about my real life here, too, not just my somewhat muddled intellectual being. My friends. My family. My challenges and endeavors, and, yes, frustrations. I hope I can do that. I haven’t yet figured out how to do it, whether I need a separate venue, or topical headings, or a new “page”. I have a lot to figure out, but I’m tired of hiding and being half-hearted about the things I really feel passion for.
This is my life, and it’s passing swiftly. I don’t want it to be an unremarkable journey.