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Restlessness is a plague I often have to deal with. I have this strong desire to do something, but nothing seems to fit. It is a sense of war within myself, probably exacerbated by my own introversion, that tugs back and forth between futility and action.

In some ways, I have too many distractions in my life. But, I often need distractions to redirect the restlessness, or to stave off mental stagnation. So, I’m not sure where the balance lies.

Perhaps what I really need is a big, interesting project; something to be fully immersed in and overtaken by. I can’t say. My days are so filled with obligation and repetition, I have to find something to spark me out of it all. The friendships I have cultivated have saved me from many a melancholy stupor by inspiring me out of my boredom. I do not seem to be able to make truly good use of my time on my own. I lack focus.

I keep a paper journal, but I fear it has run to scribblings and odd introspections. I have filled quite a number of them in my years of writing, but I often feel that if I was to somehow distill them down into their best parts, I would have a small volume indeed. I want to write, so I practice in any form I find, but I don’t finish anything. Then I begin to doubt my abilities- the constant cyclical repetition.

The work week resumes tomorrow. I have a small reprieve in the morning, but a myriad of duties looming later in the week. I wonder, do I spread myself too thin? Am I disengaged because so little of myself remains to engage with by the end of the day? I know part of my issue stems from one of my favorite distractions- the film medium. I adore movies and certain tv episodes. They eat up time and mental fortitude, pleasant though they may be.

Tonight I watched an episode of Supernatural. I’ve been needing to catch up with the season; resume where I left off watching. It helped abate some of my restlessness, though it spawned frustration, due to a less than adequate internet connection.

Tonight I steal a few moments to write from the hours normally dedicated to sleep. The night is the best time to write. It’s quiet in the house as all others have gone to sleep. I’m not hounded by differing musical tastes or buffeted by loud television programs. All is dark and quiet, save for slumbering noises and the lights within my own room.

Today I had lunch with my family. A table full of somewhat-strangers, trying to find something enough in common to talk about. We are all alienated by our own interests and pursuits. Small talk about home improvements, college prospects, the morning’s sermons, and other vagaries. We see each other so infrequently, though we live so close. We lack true common ground and the familiarity of being much together.

I feel as though I am suspended in some kind of limbo- at the crux of some life change yet to come. I am not yet established in this life, or grounded in stability, but neither am I new- starting out afresh with no past behind me. I am waiting, but I do not know what I am waiting for.

I’ve been thinking up new tattoo ideas. I don’t have the money right now for more art, but it doesn’t stop me from theorizing. Sometimes the creative process is really the draw. I’m no illustrative artist- I cannot draw at all. But I can merge my ideas with existing art to create the effect I desire.

My current idea involves a shoulder cap with a cluster of old world metaphors- things I love. Roses, a pocket watch, a skeleton key, a fountain pen- all clustered in one grouping with flourishes added as embellishment.

Someday, I want to get some text, but I haven’t yet decided what words or where to place them. I’m also thinking of a steampunk lady and, separately, something reminiscent of Tim Burton’s spirals and art.

I just have a lot of ideas at this juncture, and time to entertain them.

A friend has got me painting and collaging again for an upcoming craft fair. I’ve never tried to sell anything before, so that should be an interesting twist. I’m just going to make things that I would want to buy. That way I won’t be disappointed, because if nothing sells, I get to keep it! (Though where I would put it is another matter entirely.)

I’ve written a lot of letters lately and I’ve toyed with the idea of making stationary. I told this to my friend, and she’s decided to enable me 😉 with the use of her printer. I have an addiction to paper goods.

I think that’s enough rambling for tonight. Someday I’ll make this blog more interesting by the addition of pictures on a regular basis. Tonight, I don’t feel ambitious.

~B

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