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I’m feeling really scattered tonight.
More change has been placed before me, and I’m not really so concerned with it at present- it will be dealt with in its time. But I’m feeling displaced and adrift. I feel as though my mind and all my little passions are pulling me in different directions and my focus is scattered all abroad.
I don’t want to sleep at night. I’m tired and I generally like sleep, but I’m not willing to relinquish the time that I have to myself in the evenings. I don’t know when I’ll get that time again. I feel almost like I have to steal my moments, but that I’m not filling them up with anything in particular. Disconcerting.
I don’t know why I’m blogging about this, necessarily. I just needed to process it somewhere.
I’m having a little trouble finding where I belong lately. I’m more certain of myself, at the moment, but not my place. Everything is seeming more nebulous and fluid. Maybe it’s just a reaction to more change. Perhaps I’m casting off control of things until I see the shape of what is forming- not only in my jobs, but in the relationships with friends and coworkers I’ve become close to.
I hope this mental regurgitation works. I’m tired of lying in bed at night, unable to get to sleep, or unable to get restful sleep, because of the thoughts and concerns of the day accosting me. I’ve never really be cursed with insomnia, but I often have a restless mind. I used to dream of work tasks as I slept. I didn’t feel much rested when I woke and had to embody them again.
So what am I saying in all of this? I need something outside of it all to focus on. I need a grand passion to sweep up my consciousness and send it unfurling into the distance. I need a direction. I need some thing to give the fulfillment that I miss in other aspects of my life at present. Perhaps.
Alas, I’m not certain of anything right now. It would be nice to know something- anything- for sure.